Confusions of life

he says we want some air to breath

2010-03-29T05:04:00.000-07:00

aaj words nahi hain dil ki batein bolane ke liye.Janewalo ke liye dil nahi toda karate...par kya ye itana aasan hain.I was waiting for him to say that he will be with me till i will be ok ...sab aage badha gaye hain ...mai hi hu jo shayad piche rehe gayi hu ...kitana aasan hain na ye kehena ki shayad hame sansa lene ki jagah chahiye...par jagha to shayad use chahiye ..muze to wo chahiye..usaka wo ehsas chahiye jisame wo mera hain...aaj wo aage sahi me chala gaya aise lagata hain...aaj wo muzase door jana chahata hain .....maine jitani bar kaha ..jor jor se kaha ki muze tumse door jana hain utana mai usake pas jana chahati thi.....par jab jab usane kaha wo utana hi door chala gaya...aaj shayad mere pas aane ko use dar lagata hain ...shayad sab khatam ho chuka hain...mere liye to sab chuta gaya.....aaj shayad kisi aur ki awaz sunke wo kusha hota hain ...mera wajud usake life me khatam ho chuka hain .....har wakta koshish ki uska sath dungi par shayad mera sath usako pasand nahi hain .....ek rishta jo shayad sabse upar hona chahiye tha wo kahi gum gaya hain ....gum kya wo shayad khatam ho gaya hain....kya maine koshish nahi ki ya shayad mai kisi ke pyar ke layak hi nahi hu .....kya mere hone ne na hone se kisi ko faraq padega.....kyo ji rahi hu main....par shayad marane ki bhi himmat nahi hain...lagata hain koi aayega aur kas ke pakade ga aur bolega nahi aisa mat karo mai hu na bas tumhare liye.....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Today was supposed to be gud day of my life....but turned out to be bad...

2010-03-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today was supposed to be good day of my life.Finding answers to all questions of life,every time I think things will be fine but the day ends with quarrels,crying and broken hearts.I thought I wont get disturbed by anything,u know sometime feel like finishing my life ,u cant live like this neither u finish your life.So many thoughts at a time n mind.U want to leave the things behind and start fresh but the people to whom u want to remove from ur life come before u everytime u think to avoid them.life has become hell ...shall I finish it??? It seems the best option which will not make anybody unhappy.He can live his life the way he wants and i will not be having any thing n my mind.
I feel a need tothave a friend of mine...i have lost my friend in this crowd..he has found new friends and for them now he is not even searching me, he is satisfied with them ,he is not missing me ...this thing is killing me....i doesnt exist for him...he has moved ahead and i m lost totally lost..no aim for life and no life at all.....nobody to care for and nobody to care for me.I cry for him and he says i will be always crying for one or the other reason.........
I dont want to live but also doesnt have the guts to finish this life....hey god please please if i have done any gud thing in life please please finish this life of mine....i dont want to live ...i dont want to live......why should i live when the person for whom i m crying to whom my tears are just regular stuff......he can blame me but doesnt understand what i feel......cant he understand i want my place in his life which he has forgotten........

Dont know what to believe and what not

2010-03-26T12:29:00.001-07:00

Kind of confused about lot of things as usual .How the things are going dont know.Life has taken a strange turn.Being together also doesnt give the feeling of togetherness.Initially thaught i was the one who s thinking so but found that feeling is mutual.Lots f lies in the life,he says he doesn't talk to her but i found the mesg in her account from his side on 20th March.When he was feeling sick he wanted to talk to her.Quite strange when i feel sick, alone i go to him and he says he has damaged his health due to thinking about us and not sleeping becaz of this.But in all this scenario where did i existed.Both of us are searching different things in each other.I am searching my space in his life and what he is searching is yet not known to me after 6yrs of our relations.I get his news from social sites like facebook by his status updates.Its not that we don't speak for days together but just he is not always comfortable in sharing things.I thought it may be my fault that i may not be understanding,tried every possible thing.The situatuion is so damaged that we are together from last 5-6 days and we have'nt shared a nice full laugh in all these days.Its very normal for him to say that after coming from the operation theater he called her becaz she asked him to.He was in unconscious though the first person he reminded was her.Then started the same routine again daily 2-3 calls that too above 40-45 mins each time.
He says i don't believe him,but what should i believe ,things he says to me or things i saw with my eyes.I have seen him talking to her many times such a way that i dont observe,he goes out to talk to her,he never cares that we are at our friends place or we are on our so called first honeymoon,the talk will surely be for more than 45 mins each time.He will say how can he treate someone badly if he/she is calling him.But u know he is always into these things,trying to be always into contact with all all the times.Never felt his presence in my life,these two yrs have changed our life so badly that we are not bale to find the way out.Cant able to leave each other and also not together though stay with each other.
He says its his fault but whenever i will say that its my fault he will be the first person to accept that.U know the on 20th of march i was so eager to meet him and give him surprise but when i reached there,i couldn't find any excitement in his eyes. He was not allowing me to come there but i wanted to go ,the day he said u can come i was ready to go.I don't know why i ddint went initially,sometimes its really difficult to answer my own questions.Each day i used to thing i want to go but whenever i used to ask him he used to say no.I cried ,i begged also but e said things are not that bad ,u carry on ur studies.But that day when i gave him surprise but i guess that was not a pleasant surprise for him.He himself said he didn't felt any excitement.WE are actually just pulling this relation i guess.He wants freedom from everything i guess, my restriction on him for few things make him hide things from me.IN Niharika's case he used to say that he is not commenting on her photographs but when he went from Nasik last time the first thing he did was that.He says they talk rarely then how they know everything about each other.He knows everything about her. I know he likes to be around her all the time but it just that as he had married me and that too the love marriage and against all family mebers, he is trying to work it.He is kind of bored of me,my presence doesn't make any difference to him.He even started taunting for few things which i had said with so much of belief in him.U know earlier we used to share every moment with each other and now we are only two ppl in our house and we don't have any topic to share.For us topics are her or some of his facebook things.
He says these social sites have saved him from suicidal attempts but tell me one thing why did he reached at that stage.He says he cant leave her because for me today she is the reason to get sad and initially it was his parents and in future it will be somebody else.I was always afraid of this thing to happen but it happened on that day.
Now he has forgotten all the things i have gone through ,i have realized that in life its better u never share any thing with anybody becaz u never know what the opposite person interpret.He is getting disturbed day by day and he is giving reason that as i am unhappy he is disturbed.But for him i have changed everything what else he wants me to change.I don't feel like laugh ,smile at least don't force me to do so.I have tried everything to make things ok between his parents and me but every time just got bad results,so did i do anything wrong .For him he says he feels that he doesn't have any ambrella above him.But i have lost aky and earth after getting into this relation.He says things were bad the day we got married bu cant he remember how much i have tried to make it right.In those days we never used ti have any physical relations,i never complained tat badly thought someday he will be fine.He has shared this problem with every possible person who wont help but will make issue out of it to play game in our relation.He loves to share things with so called his girl friends take it poorna,amruta or taiyaba.These ppl have so much part of his life that he has stopped living life without them.I was always standing there waiting for some day when he will be contented by my presence,but instead he went more away from me.May be its my faith to live life like this.After spending those nice days with him thought life will be so happy with him.every moment will be like a dream which i never have imagined.Actually life turned that way, life has taken such turn which i never dreamed of.He says he was always there when i needed him,and he always thinks about me.But where am i in his daily thoughts.He is surrounded by only his friends who are happy in there life and interested to know about others life so that they can play game.They have free time that's why they talk but when he need them they are not present and if i ask him to leave these friends he says he cant because they have become part of his life.Actually they have become part of his life replacing me .
Its really simple for him to say that he always thinks about me,but he will be always absent when he will be with me.I guess we have move so much apart that we don't even remember the person we have loved,we have forgotten to live life with each other.I am not able to satisfy him and he has moved ahead ib satisfying his needs from friends,social sites and i am left so much behind that i dont even have a single person with me.
He always find someone to move away from somethings.When we were in relation he wanted to share what he has gone through due to his father,today at some part of time i find him getting close to ppl so that he can feel better and refresh from the worst patch of our life.
Where am i in all this things.Today he says that he doesn't have a home,where do i stay is my home not his. What have i done with my life, thaught i had married to a most practical person of all but found the other way round after some time.Now he doesnt feel my presence when he is with me,i cant even leave him and cant live like this.I am seeing my future totally damaged,not able to concentrate on my present goals.He may say that he is providing me all what i need and keeping all worries away from me .i m the one who is finding new reasons all the time for not to achieve the goal.Today its just the one and half month remaining for exam and i have already lost the enthusiasm to study.I am surrounded by thaughts about him .our life, i m not feeling happy from inside,i know my life will be like this only, i will never be able to succeed in anything here onwards............

Temptations of life

2010-03-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

Life is full of confusions and answers of which are very difficult to find.I am at this stage life where I am married and its love marriage, he is my life but now my life is finding answers to some questions.I find him moved away from me ..he is into his another world.I have always shared everything with him but vice versa never happened.Its almost 6yrs of relation...in this span life have gone through lots of ups and downs at every stage.Still standing together virtually but somewhere both know that the meaning of life for each of us has changed a lot.He always say he loves me but he loves others also...trying to find the meaning of the sentence he/she is very close to me.He says someone is very close doesn't mean that he/she is taking my place.But i m not able to understand the situation ....how can this be true..because of that person I have been away from him for so many days,months .It almost more than 6 months since he is finding the answers to his questions.He says he doesn't have any romantic relations with her but does relation really exist for him with anybody ...though i m his lawfully wedded wife i have never had normal romantic relation with him....from the day of marriage life was always in stormy ocean finding the way to reach the boundary but couldn't find till now. Everytime the boundaries itself changed.

Thought life will be normal after particular time but there seems no end to confusions of life.We do care for each of us but i guess we have started loving others also.He says she is like a sister but he love to be with her every time,he can discuss all things with her.He says I am close to him but I am finding answer to my question "In what way?"
Sometimes feel I am really close to him but next moment a thought peeps into mind then why he cant share all his things with me, he is always into his world,where I am just one of the persons close to him.I am not the only one.Then I also moved ahead by removing him from that position of my life.But now this position is empty.

I had started moving on a road thinking we are moving together but didn't realized when he took another path and now he wants me to accompany him with all his partners on that path.

I was and still am living in the same world dreams of which we have seen together.But sometimes feel that definition of dreams were different for each of us and now both of us are trying to fit another one to fit into that definition.

U r close to me----looks very simple sentence but trying to find the answer how close.I want to define boundaries of my existence in his life.What should I expect from him,shall I expect something from him or not. He says I am part of his life ,but what a part means? can anybody tell me? I am a person who wants everything clear like a crystal. Asked him many times who I m and where do I stand in his life?
But in both cases never got the answer.
Tried to avoid him but the more I tried to avoid the more I moved towards him,not actually but may be in my world. My world is totally diff from this fake world where everyone has many faces.Everybody is fooling himself and they say thats how the world is and this is the best way to live in this world.

I never could wear any other face.Today I wanted to fulfill my temptation but couldnt do that.I tried to convince me that he is not in my life but he has entered and now I am want him to play role which i have imagined playing in my world.
But he is also part of that world where he has so many faces.
So I am finding answer which face should i believe ,the one he shows me when he talks to me or the one I can see him carrying.
The one he carries when he speaks to me looks very gud,caring,loving me a lot but as soon as he go away I feel like being played by a false face which is put on to fulfill few of his ego, needs and temptations.
It would have been really better if i would have learned to wear this faces.
What shall i do, I am running behind someone who is running behind someone to whom i cant stand and if i want to stop and leave the path i dont have any destination to follow.
I have lost the way....thats why life looks like an ocean or sky where when u move u are sure to loose ur path..........

Trying to know whats life...

2010-03-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

"Life" looks like very simple word but the elder u grow meaning of this simple words starts showing u new pictures.When u were small life was just the people around you ,your mom ,papa ur siblings, you live life as per direction of these people.But soon u start to find different colors of this life, u go to school meet new people ...these ppl along with ur family members makes u think about what u think,assume about various things.
the elder u grow u r more surrounded by people and more relations,sometimes i think why do we need so many relations when all these relations are just the bindings which doesnt allow u to fly....fly like a free bird...u get busy with fulfillling requirements of these relations....u engage urself so much into listening to these relations that u forgot to listen what u say to urself.U stop singing ur songs and try to understand music created by others.
life is so strange ....its like a ocean..u try to explore it and u forget who u r !!!